I'm amazed at how much sadness I could consume but not noticing how much I'm surrounded by happiness that I, myself push away for the sake of the fear of getting hurt. trapped in blankets of confusion, melancholic sounds of my own cries at night were a complete nightmare. I chose to be in that kind of position even though I knew could've and should've just left sadness alone and not let it cling on me, but I did. it's the same as letting you in and cling on me but boy you're not as clingy as sadness.
it drained me emotionally and physically every single day. 17 years of living and I've never been so tired of having this burden on my back. I was very unsatisfied with myself and at some point I even felt like God wasn't there to hear my call for help. it didn't feel much like Form 1 but had some essence of battling war. man, I was in such wreckage back then. I couldn't even be fixed and refused any help. you can never imagine what I went through, drown in my own thoughts.
then I woke up one day and decided to let sadness go and give happiness a chance. it needed a few days, even weeks to get used to. then as days went by, happiness was a part of me again. it's been a long time to have felt content with myself. I actually didn't remember the last time happiness came to visit mmm I'd say twas a blessing in disguise. now I'm satisfied with how things are finally going my way. my mind was so used to constant battles but now have to learn to keep my feet planted on the ground, to always keep my chin up, to always remind myself to love myself.
it struck me that the happiest are never the calm.
