fix me, please.

    These times of independency, shows who you really are, when nobody is around. All caught up shit in your head, filling space and time. It scares me the most to be alone. I've undoubtedly caught too many sickness; Anxiety, depression, heartbreaks and the list goes on in the "negative" column. I'd never think this was the person I'd become. As I grow, I've never believed when people say, experience makes us, but who am I? A walking sickness that spreads every time she opens up.. that's for sure. Often I get caught up with too many things that I have to feel for others, to accept me into their lives. I beg and crave for acceptance. If not, who am I? Just another joker for friends to have a laugh? Or another lover that stays in a toxic relationship for the passion and heat?

    I just want to be fixed. That's it. I craved to be fixed. I HAVE to be. With every problem that comes and go, I want someone to tell me what I should do or what would be the best situation, even though I'd know that the outcome would be nasty. I never knew up until I had friends that wanted me to be real. To say whatever I am not okay with. I cant. I couldn't. Accepting means letting vulnerability show. I am not ready to make that happen. When people tell me what I am, I get mad. "They don't know you like that..", whispers the devilish conscience of mine. I get frustrated that I couldn't explain myself and choose to run away. To.. someone.. that can.. fix.. me. That was what I wanted from my ex, but he couldn't. I keep telling myself that I should run back to him for all of this to go away, "he knows all of you, right? It's easier.." "Just let him know. Tell him what you feel. Open up". That's all I hear. I'm comfortable having someone that could accept me, through my deepest fears, except he couldn't comprehend why I'm going through it. Major setback, I know. The denial got the best of me. 

    Everyone will keep on asking me, "what triggers your anxiety?" and honestly, I've never gotten an answer for it. It's just there. Telling me all my fears, creating possible scenarios over and over and hovering on the controls for it. Where's the damn brakes on this thing?!??! Advice after advice is like asking me to just stop the train when the controls are jammed or the coal fire keep piling. It doesn't help when no one knows whats in your head. It's even harder to describe too.

how much longer?

    I dreamt that I killed myself. I'm still scared that this will go on, I feel like I'm controlled by a sickness and its eating me alive.. I can't move forward. Always stuck at the same spot since high school. Has nothing change? The same pushover, everyone doesnt care about. 

    They've manipulated in ways to twists every word that comes out my mouth and hands down, is the most toxic friendship I've ever had dealt with. I've never been in this kind of situation, but this stupid college that I got into is the one to blame.. its like a circus raging animals and the ringmaster wants all the animals to get along. I've always imagined if they've handed out auditions for the best clown or something for them to chase. Every single one of them.. are losers. I wish I could say that aloud. But I guess, I'm set in the cages.. 

pen and paper

i've been on hiatus on blogging and writing my thoughts for a while. honestly, writing is not my passion anymore. i feel like writing is so pretentious, you really write for the audience and what does it make when there's no one to show? do you really pour your WHOLE heart out. writing is like proof of how you're doing in your life, but it doesn't make it feel better because of the bias self-point-of-view. i've ran out of so much to write about. i rarely feel anything and whatever im going through in my 20s aren't as fantasized. i thought i would've gotten married by now, by 22, but in this age that you get the most confused with life. fights with your significant other, with your friends. the age where you feel the most lonely. i'll save the sob story about how my relationship is a bust, and there no way of fixing it. right now, i just feel alone. just alone. it feels like 13 all over again. this is my 13 year old phase, i guess its a decade process? logging out..

i love you

you're the first boyfriend i've had, and basically the person that i'm in love so much with. i cant even describe how much i love you. you're the moon and the stars to me. you make me feel calm and loved, always. i remember every reason i shouldnt be doing the things that might upset you, not because you said so but because i respect you and by not doing it shows how much i would go to the end of the world for you. i love you so much, my heart flutter and orbits around my head 24/7. whenever i see you, i'd feel so damn lucky to have you as my partner. i now believe that we can get married. i know that you can take care of me. you are so understanding and i love how you listen to what i have to say before getting mad. i love how you melt when i say "sayang". i love how you sneak a peak when i fall asleep after you, just to see my face. j love how i caught you doing it. i love you hide little things that shows you miss me, or that you the tiniest pieces of me. i love how you would spend money on me but accept my money when i hand it to you. i love how you find a job to find money to go out with me. i love how you look at me like i'm your baby. i love how you're crazy as me but wont show it til the real me emerge. i love how you want to know the real me so bad. i love how you're jealous of every little thing and my efforts to pujuk you every time works. i love how you say i always make a 'face' when you say your goodbyes, and that face wont get you to leave, it'll make you miss me even more and is hard for to let go. i love that you kiss me endless of times before you go. i love how our kiss is intense that i can feel our hearts touching. i love that you respect me. i love that you reassure me. i love that you call me 'sayang' as referring me and making it my permanent name. i love you, syahmi. i love you the most ♥️

maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu

tolonglah, jangan pergi,
meninggalkan aku di sini,
seperti seketika dulu,
berlari berpusu-pusu,
megejarmu yg selalu ingin lari,
menghilangkan diri,
puas ku mencapai,
kau masih tidak dalam dakapan,
aku cuma simpan dalam kenangan,

saat pahit,
saat manis,
tetap ku harus hadapi,
di depan matamu,
aku harus berpura,
membuang rasa sayang
lautan pandanganmu, 
melemaskanku. 

bagaimanakah
harus aku melepaskanmu?
atau setidak-tidaknya,
berhenti mengejar
melepaskan kau pergi
ke destinasi
yang kau mahu tuju
sejak kau kenali aku
ke manakah kau hendak pergi?
menjadi persoalan
tergaru kepalamu

juga, ku tidak dilepaskan
kau mencari ku
seketika,
pabila ku berhenti berharap
berhenti berkejaran
kau perlahan-lahan berjalan
ke arahku
memujuk ku kembali
sebelum kau mematah balik
menukar fikiran
mematahkan hatiku
malah
ku tidak berganjak
menunggumu.

im busy part ll

why can’t u just say u don’t love me? instead u give me lame ass excuses like how priorities is whats important right now and its basically the same definition to what makes u happy. and what makes u happy clearly isn’t me. funny that the first time u contacted me back again, u went on to find things that made u happy again, shoes, old friends and me. u said i was one of those things. i believed u and now u changed your mind? as long as its what makes u happy but thing is ur my happiness eventhough holding on to u hurts and idk how to let go. like i told u, whoever u love in the future i dont have a say in it, ofcourse it’ll hurt me but because ur still my friend i have to be there for u and be happy for u because ur my happiness. happiness doesnt necessarily mean to make u happy, sometimes u gotta put effort to keep the happiness going. 

“im busy.”

im so fucking tired to always having to fix this stupid relationship. its like we go on and off but without reassurance and i feel crazy when you’re the one making me feel guilty. you keep pointing the gun and somehow im the one ending up pulling the trigger. im so tired of you ignoring me and not making me a priority when i made it clear ur mine. ok lets say i FINALLY gave up like i always say i would, what happens then huh? it’ll repeat again, in time ill get over u but u wont get over me and still want someone to be a staple to love u. so u go ahead with your sweet talk to lure me in then when u have me back, u push me away. so basically im the only one giving my all, im not one to deny that the efforts are one-sided. certain times, it hit me that u never cared. u always loved someone else. u always flaunt someone else. but its always not me. i remembered when i posted a vid of a show on ig then u posted the same but a few minutes later u deleted yours cause u didnt want anyone to know that i was with you at that time. im not someone u want to show off. i get that now.